


just let me go before the world implodes

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, sorry - Freeform, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 01:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17633300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: too much. the world was too much. too loud. he was broken and the world knew it and so did tyler. he wanted it to go away.





	just let me go before the world implodes

tyler was supposed to be the broken one, not him, but here josh sat on the floor of his dressing room, shaking and breathing out too fast and too much. everything was getting to him. the show had been too much for his mind, the screaming too loud even over his minds constant barrage of thoughts. when he had done the drum island he had felt the lack of pressure underneath him and saw the phones and he was certain he was going to fall.

but it wasn’t just the show. even before today he had slowly been plummeting down to the depths of panic and terror and brokenness. his life had been a wreck since the hiatus. but he was supposed to be the strong one. he was supposed to be the one who didn’t have any problems, who didn’t have anxiety because there he was on stage in front of thousands of people a night.

debby had left just before he and tyler had gotten back out there in front of their fans. she couldn’t handle the constant struggle that was trying to communicate with josh when he was stuck in a mindset of how he wasn’t good enough.

red lines crossed over each other on his legs, fresh cuts made by a disposable razor he bought at a gas station down the road from the venue. he didn’t want to but his mind told him that everyone hated him. tyler hasn’t spoken to him about their fight before the hiatus again, honestly josh was sure he had forgotten, but the lead singers words were on constant repeat in his mind.

“just talk to me! hiding behind your drums all the time isn’t going to help you, and neither is clinging to me all the time. just go away, ple—”

he could still feel tyler physically pulling away. taking his hand out of joshs and stalking out of the room mumbling about music and drums and josh. josh had been too far away to know what he was saying after that.

it hurt. he panicked every time he scrolled through twitter and someone mentioned him behind his drums, which was near all the time because that was all he was good for in the world to them.

they were in australia right now. australia, far away from home, far away from ohio and it’s familiarity, and all josh wanted was to lay down and disappear. the show had ended with a resounding scream across the arena, as it always did. and josh smiled at tyler and tyler smiled back, as they always did.

but josh could hear his heart in his ears. pounding away like a jackhammer, and as soon as the show was over he had darted towards his dressing room.

he was useless. useless and broken and good for nothing and a burden and he he he

he didn’t know what to do. he was so alone even when held up in a sea of faces looking at him with an understanding and thankfulness he didn’t deserve.

tyler hasn’t gone after him. at least. not that he noticed. it was alright. they hadn’t been as close as they had in the days they had to go straight back to the van in sweaty clothes, laughing against each other and talking in quiet whispers about the amount of people being even bigger than before.

tyler had jenna now. he has had her for a long time. josh was proud.

but he wanted to be erased. he didn’t deserve this. didn’t deserve tyler’s smile because he knew what tyler really thought about him. didn’t deserve the people who looked up to him because who was he but the guy who played drums. anyone could do that. he knew one day he’d be replaced, but that was only an inevitability and he had found peace with that a long time ago.

if he was better maybe tyler would keep him around.

but he was weak. he was so so so weak. and broken. he wasn’t meant to be the broken one.

he still couldn’t breathe.

the room was loud even though he was the only one in there. he pulled at his shortened hair, nails scratching into his scalp.

the door opened and he didn’t notice tyler coming in, words falling from his mouth in cheer from the show, faltering as he saw josh on the floor curled in on himself, crying and breathing harshly and murmuring quiet words to himself about a “disappointment” and how he just “wanted to go”.

josh didn’t see tyler until his shadow fell over him and a hand landed on his shoulder. josh snapped away so fast he was afraid he got whiplash.

“i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry” he kept muttering it to himself on repeat as soon as he caught sight of tyler. he wanted to go home. he wanted jim. he wanted to be needed. he wanted tyler to tell him he didn’t mean what he said. he wanted he wanted he wanted

he moved his hands from his scalp to his arms, digging already bloody nails into his colourful tattoo. useless useless useless.

tyler hates you you stupid fucking burden, you dumbass you can’t even get this right. just end it all already and everyone will be happy that they can’t see anymore.

he wanted to die.

“no.”

tyler breathes the world out like his entire world had just collapsed, but josh can no longer find it in himself to care. he doesn’t know he had said his last thought out loud. he doesn’t see tyler’s eyes fill with horror as well as tears.

he can barely feel tyler take his hands because all of a sudden he isn’t in his body and this is all happening to someone else and he just wants to leave so everyone can be finally happy with him for once in his god forsaken world.

he was breaking and broken and going to break and time isn't real anymore he wasn’t real anymore he didn’t want to be real anymore so this was better this was what he wanted he couldn’t disappoint tyler anymore like this.

his world was going black around him.

his fingers unconsciously pulled back his pants and had begun picking at the scabs forming and there was blood and there was tyler and his vision was disappearing and he couldn’t breath and why was tyler there tyler should be with jenna why couldn’t josh just die quicker please please please

“please just let me die”

he whispered the words into a world he didn’t think ever listened to him, but the world screamed as josh fell into the darkness and tyler screamed and pulled out his phone and called 911 as he panicked and tried to make sure his best friend was breathing

and what had tyler done wrong why had josh— he didn’t remember what he had said and yet he blamed himself and he just wanted his friend to be okay

tyler didn’t let go of joshs hand even when the paramedics arrived.


End file.
